I saw this in a recent edition of the FOCUS newsletter. Recently someone said to me how strong Jason and I are for taking care of Anna the way we do. When I saw this in the newletter I started to cry because it was so similar to the way I sometimes feel that I could have written it. Thank you to Lisa Ringenberg for writing it. But, here it is:
No Different From You ... by Lisa Ringenberg (FOCUS atlanta group)
One day, I was over it, you know? I’ve heard the same thing too many times when what I really needed was a hug or something (a big cry probably!). I ended up writing, as I usually do, and this is what came out. I thought I’d share it, because I am sure that people hear this same type thing when going through a divorce or losing a job or whenever we wear our brave face. I think sometimes saying nothing and just sitting with the person is a gift that is worth its weight in gold. We are all “over it” sometimes and just need a good cry, right? 99.9% of the time I really am just fine; I know you won’t think less of me for knowing the real truth. I hope this somehow serves you too:
You say “Special children are given to special parents.” I am no more special than any other parent. Truth is, sometimes I feel like not running this race and I am barely hanging on. I do not have super powers or special abilities to make this load any easier than if it happened to you or anyone else. My burden is the same as it would be for anyone else, I just don’t bore you with the details. Truth be known, many parents given the same circumstances as me, walk away.
God didn’t pick them as special parents, now did he? I am no more special than anyone else.
You say “I don’t know if I could do what you do.” I don’t know each day if I will be able to do what I have to either. Can I bear hurting her one more time, or staying in the hospital for another week? I don’t know either, but the last time I checked, I had to. My only other choice
is to lose my daughter to someone else who can step up to the plate, so I have to. There is no choice here. I don’t set out to be super woman everyday and see how much I can endure. I don’t want to play this game or live this way, I don’t choose to, I have to, there is no choice.
Do you really think there is a choice involved? Many, many mornings I wake up and think I can’t do this anymore. But I somehow do. You say “You are always so strong.” No, I am not. Saying so makes me realize that you do not know me. I cry, and I hurt like you would never imagine. I am sick with worry and fear and my own life has passed me by while I was hanging onto every day with my kids. Hoping for just one more day with her. I cry alone, I cry out loud, sometimes I shed just a single tear to make a little more room for some other emotion. There is no one who can make this better, I am alone, I am scared, I am not in control and I am beyond sad. I am not strong. You should know that if you think I am strong, you just haven’t seen me break down yet. I am not super-human, I am not above it, I am not beyond it. I am like you and it hurts like hell sometimes. Actually, more often than you probably could imagine. Whew, that feels better!
Madison Ringenberg will be 6 in January. She is moderately compromised
with DiGeorge syndrome and Tetrology of Fallot. We are preparing now for
her 3rd open-heart surgery.
For more information on FOCUS (Families of Children Under Stress) please go to http://www.focus-ga.org/
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Hello! And, congratulations! We live in Canton, adopting our son Max through CCAI's WC program, sent our LOI 12/10, and received our PA 12/29 as well!! Max's paperwork says he is in KaiFeng SWI, however, we've since found out that he is supported in foster care by Love Without Boundaries. Have you heard that your daughter is in foster care as well?
ReplyDeleteSmall World!!
Heather
http://ourjourney3.blogspot.com/
Hi Gwen-I happened upon your blog searching for another one and could not help but read it. My daughters are 20 and 21 now. We adopted them together from Korea 19 1/2 years ago, both with a clean bill of health. HAHA! My oldest has been diagnosed with so many emotional and psychological disorders over the course of her life that there is no point in listing them (or maybe even believing that the doctors knew what they were doing back then).
ReplyDeleteThere were days when I got out of the bed and made it too, and that was a good day. She is beautiful, sweet, caring and smart. She also has brought me to the edge of my own mental health over and over again. I'm crying now (at least I am not angry anymore) thinking about what a rough time she has had. But she has made it to 21 and she has a job and she has not been in jail or the hospital for a long time. She has her own kind of happiness, and maybe she will be OK. You never know. But all those days I did not know if I would make, I did. No magic, just getting up and doing it again.
I am so happy for you adding Julia to your family. And I am with you on the "lucky" thing. "You are the luckiest mommy in the world" was the mantra I taught all three of my little girls, Samantha, Anne and Rose. It was selfish to adopt, but I have learned more about love from the tough, scary parts of parenting than I ever would have learned if I was fooled by pregnancy into believing that Children were my right, not a gift. Take care, hope you bring her home soon and healthy, and be prepared for how good it will be for Anna to be a sister. Sometimes I felt like third wheel, and it felt great. You are making agood life for all of you. Leslie (healigan is my handle)